Struggling...

So tomorrow will be 1 month that I moved out. I am really struggling with everything. Today I went to the doctor, and I have Bronchitis. I feel awful, and maybe that is why I feel like such an emotional train wreck. Honestly, I don't think I have ever felt so alone in all my life. I keep asking me what I have done so wrong to deserve all of this. I miss us being a family and just the comfort of knowing that Kenny will walk in the door at night after work. I miss us raising the girls together. It is such a struggle when the kids ask if we will be getting back together, and I have to try to convince them that this whole mess is really for the best, when I am not even convinced myself. Is this really the best thing? I guess really it doesn't matter what I think or feel, because the decision has already been made. It feels so hopeless to look towards the future and to think that perhaps someday love will find me. Right now, I feel like the biggest failure ever. I couldn't make this marriage work, and here I am a 32 year old almost single woman, with three beautiful girls, no real job, and what in the world do I have to offer anyone. I can't imagine that anyone would ever find interest in me, or that I would be a "catch". Maybe that is it, I never thought that I would be afraid to be alone. For all those years with Kenny when he would go snowmobiling, and I would be so afraid that he could get caught in an avalanche, I never was afraid to be alone, because I always knew that he was with me. Now that he isn't "with" me, I am feeling like being alone is really horrible. I don't know how people move forward from something like this. How does life go on? How do people feel that they could love again? I think back to being 15 and 16 years old, and I always had a boyfriend. Then at 16, I met Kenny and even when we broke up those few times, I always had somebody. I guess I have never really been alone. That now, is so frightening. I know many woman say they will never remarry after a divorce, but I can't imagine spending my whole life alone. I really want to have a solid marriage with lots of love, and with a man that understands me, and who also loves my girls. I just don't think that this is ever going to be possible.

~Fun with Ms. I~

Last week Natasha spent a fun day with one of her favorite people in the world, Ms. I. For those of you who don't know, Ms. I was Natasha's First grade teacher. She and Natasha have had a very wonderful relationship since then, and are really great friends still. With everything going on with her, Ms. I spent the day with Natasha. Later that evening we all went over to her house and fed all the ducks at the pond in her back yard. It was a lot of fun for the girls that day, and good for me to spend time with a really great friend. Ms. I is one of those rare people that you meet who is so genuine and also loves deeply. I admire her character and hope that someday I will impact children's lives the way that she does. She is a great role model, teacher and friend to all the children who are lucky enough to have her for a teacher. I am going to truly miss not only having her be Alainna's teacher for first grade, but also having her be here and being such a close friend. It will be a long year with her away (she will be teaching in Scotland) but I am also so proud of her for doing this for herself. She has spent her whole life dedicated to others, and I am so happy that finally she is taking the time to do something for herself. Now, lets hope that when she comes back that one of the girls will once again be blessed enough to have her.

---New Wheels---

On Saturday, I went with my parents and got a new car! I have been driving Kenny's mom's car for the last several months, and unfortunately it was in really bad shape. Also, with the divorce and stuff, I just didn't feel right about driving his mother's car anymore. It was very kind of her to let me use it as long as she did, but I am definately super excited about having my own brand new ride! I got a fully loaded Ford Fusion. It is silver with black leather interior! It has a sun roof, heated seats, a 6 disc CD player, and basically all the bells and whistles! I am so grateful to my parents for getting this for me.

WILD HOGS!!!!

I went out on Friday night with a girlfriend to see the movie "Wild Hogs". Let me tell you what, if any one out there is in the need to laugh their butts off, this is the movie for you! I think we all go through a phase where we just need to get "away" and experience life. This was a hilarious movie about 4 very different friends who do just that. I loved how they incorporated a lot of my favorite tunes (80's rock) into the movie. I think this is the first movie that I have been to, where they audience stood up and clapped when it was over. Oh yeah, if you are an OCC (Orange County Chopper) fan like I am, Sr. and Paulie Jr. are in this also! Anyways, it was a kick in the pants, and I think I want to buy this on DVD, I think my dad would even love this!

Look at ME!

This afternoon after I got done at BSU, I loaded up the older two girls and took them to the YMCA. If you don't already know this, I have three little fishes! The girls have been in the water since they were very young, and love to swim. I was so proud of Alainna, as today was her very first time jumping off of the diving board! She was so brave to do it, and so proud of herself. Natasha has been doing it for a number of years, and so now Alainna can join in the fun! I wonder how quick Angelina will pick it up? We had a great time, and I actually was able to get two papers written in the time they swam. I love that they are so anxious to swim and have such a love for water. They seem to be hanging in there with everything that is going on. This weekend they will be with their dad, and I know they will love that. They are so close with him, and he is a super father.

Peace...

I dropped the girls off this morning, and now I won't have them until Thursday. We had such a wonderful time together. I really feel like the kids are doing quite well through all this. Kenny and I have been honest and open with them, and so I don't feel like they are being blind-sided by anything. They seem to be adjusting, and I am so grateful that this transition is going smooth for them. It helps that Kenny and I are friends through all this. We aren't fighting, and we are talking about stuff. The girls know that we do indeed love each other and them as well, but that we just can't be married. They are so happy to get to see their daddy today, and that makes me happy too. He is such a huge part of their everyday life.
Yesterday, I found out that the divorce papers have been filed. Crazy as it sounds, I wasn't emotional about it at all. I think that I am really at peace about all this. Hard as it is, I really believe that this is probably the best thing for both Kenny and I. We have had such a roller coaster ride for our entire relationship, and I think we are both ready to get off. I know that he wishes me the best in life and I do the same for him. We both have the same goal, and that is to make the best life possible for our three precious gifts from God. Somehow, my shoulders feel less weighed down, and I am at peace. Thank you for all of you who believe in my strength and for also giving me the help and strength to get through this. I never realized how many friends I have and for you all I am eternally grateful.

A Fun Day!

This has been my first weekend alone with the girls since Kenny and I have seperated. We have had a fun time! On Friday night we went swimming at the YMCA! The girls are little fishes and I even obliged Angelina and went down the blue slide! It was a lot of fun to hang out with them and just play. After that we came home and had movie night. We all sat together and had popcorn and watched "Babe". Today, after my hair appointment, the girls and I loaded up and went over to my brother and sister in laws house. My niece, Sierra was there, and the girls are always so excited to get to play with their cousin. They played outside on the equipement for several hours and had a ton of fun. We borrowed the movie "Flicka" from them and watched that together tonight. Natasha was so excited to get to see the movie, because on our trip to Europe, she read the book. I know the girls are struggling with this seperation and divorce, but I am hoping that by spending really quality time with them that we can pull through this. They miss their dad, and so do I. It is really wierd to not see him or talk to him everyday, but I guess this is something that we all have to get used to. I am assuming that it gets easier with each day that passes. I hope so, because right now it is hard. Tomorrow, we are heading to church as a family. This is something that has been missing from our lives for a very long time, and I am ready to incorporate it back. A little help from above would be wonderful right now, and I hope that God is listening. After church, I want to cook breakfast with the girls. I know their dad usually does that with them, but I want to give it a try also. We have to start doing some of this stuff together also. The girls seem to be ok. They are getting lots of help from their friends, teachers, and everyone who loves them. As for me, I talked to a friend the other day and he said that it is so important to talk it out. I am trying, and maybe this blog is my way of doing it. I am more of a writer than a talker. I can tell you one thing, life feels very strange right now at this point. I have so many questions about the future, and it is awkward to think of it without Kenny and I being married. After 16 years, you somehow are comfortable. I miss that comfort.

Water Under the Bridge

I spent a few hours on the phone last night with Kenny. He feels as if there has been too much tough history to really make a go of getting back together. This really breaks my heart. I do understand where he is coming from though. I look back on the years we have had together, and it has most certainly been a rocky road. I guess, the one thing I always counted on was that we loved each other enough to get through. Maybe there is more to love and a marriage than just getting through. This is new and uncharted territory for me, so honestly, I think for now, I will spend my time focused on the girls and myself. I believe that I really must come to know myself and love myself, which I have not done for a very, very long time. Kenny has been and will always be such a special and important man in my life, and I love him with all my heart. I hope that he is right when he says that through this all we will be healthier, happier and better parents to our beautiful girls.

Another Day...

I am really missing being together with Kenny and the girls. Tonight is my night with them, and I am so happy to have them. I am going to have them clear through until I drop them off at school on Tuesday morning. It breaks my heart to see the sadness on their faces. They keep asking me why we are seperated. I am really struggling with this whole seperation thing as well. My heart aches and longs after Kenny so badly, and I just can't ignore that. I wonder if only we could try to work through things. I love him so much, and as I look at these beautiful girls we have, i think that we should really try to work this out. I pray that God can guide us down the right path for the future, what ever that may be. My family means more to me than anything in the world, and I pray for our happiness.