Making the Grade!

Well, so after my week of turmoil, I am so proud of myself! I recieved several of my papers back that I had turned in before, and during my world falling apart. I earned a 100% on my first Math Methods test, a 96% on my Math paper, and a 98% on my Science Methods paper! I can't explain how extatic I was about this! With all of the troubles in my life as of late, it was definately something uplifting. My focus is do get through school, and to do it well. So far so good! I hope that perhaps I will make the Dean's list if I keep up these grades. My education is something that I have put on the back burner for a long time, by my own choice, and it feels so darn good to now get back to it and to also do it so darn good. A friend told me to keep grabbing the positives in life, and this is certainly one of them.

"Getting Back in the Game"

Yesterday was my first day back at work after the seperation of Kenny and I. It was really great to get out of the house and go see all my little ones and get my mind off of stuff. Miss Coleman and Miss Angela were so understanding and compassionate. I pretty much did no brain work all day, but nevertheless, it felt good to go and do it. The most difficult part was all the questions from other staff people that don't know me very well. I broke down in tears on more than one occassion. Somebody told me that getting a divorce is like experiencing a death. They said that you have to have time to actually grieve the loss. I think this is true. I personally am back and forth about whether this is even the right thing to do. Sometimes I think that this is a me issue, not a he or even a we issue. I have lost myself and my sense of self worth, and I long so bad to have that again. I was working towards that and thought that once I was done with school and was teaching that I could feel like a was a contributing member of the family. It was always a joke around our house, because I am such a horrible house keeper, that Kenny would love to be "Mr. Mom", and I would go earn the money. He was self assured enough to feel the value in that, and I am not.
Well, regardless, I am heading back to BSU today after being off from school the whole last week. I am very behind in all my classes, but I am determined to get caught up. My professors have been very understanding, and I am going to finish this college thing. Not only am I going to finish, I am going to finish it well.

Moving Out...

Today was yet another test of strength for me. It was the day that I knew was coming and was dreading. With our decision to get a divorce, Kenny and I also felt is best that I get moved out quickly. We both didn't want things to happen that would essentially cloud our judgment. We know that splitting up IS the best decision for us and the girls also. That didn't make moving out any easier. Kenny helped move all the large stuff, and I was so grateful that he was so kind to do that. It was hard to give him that last "I love you" and a hug and kiss. I don't know, how do you say good bye to the person you have shared 16 years of your life with? I really can't imagine what is in store for my future, because I really always just imagined to be a wife and mother. I guess my destiny is something different. I am so excited for tomorrow evening, because it will be the girls' night with me here. I wonder if they will like their rooms, or if they will all just want to jump into my bed with me. I have missed them these last few days, and am looking forward to having them all next weekend. I need to think about something fun to do. Any ideas? Oh, do you see the look of peace on my face in this picture? That is what I am going to try to find again.

Heart Wrenching

Last night, Kenny and I did the hardest thing I think we have ever had to do. We sat down at the dinner table with our three beautiful girls, and told them that we were getting a divorce. I never in my life imagined that I would someday have to intentionally hurt my own children. I will never forget the look on Natasha's face when we told them. I am praying to God for the strength to help our girls get through this. Right now I need the help. My heart is broken, not only about Kenny and I getting a divorce, but also about the fact that the girls will be so hurt and confused for quite some time. Kenny and I are still working through this all together, and we are both very sure that we will be friends through this. We continue to focus on our children, and want to continue coparenting them. I think the only way to do that is by being friends. It is also quite emotional for me today, not only as I am packing up stuff, but also because I know this is my last night together with my husband. I can tell you, this would all be so much easier if only I didn't love him as much as I do.

I am a Statistic

Kenny and I are becoming a statistic. We have mutually decided to seperate after 16 years of being together. I always swore that I didn't want to be a statistic with regard to marriage. We both love each other and our girls tremendously, but have realized that the two of us just don't fit. We have so many different ideas with life, and all the love in the world just can't fix that. I am heartbroken, but am looking towards the future with my girls. I am attaching a picture from our wedding day, because it was truly one of the best days I ever had. I will cherish the love that we had for ever, as well as the best things that ever came from us, which is our beautiful girls. I wish Kenny all the best in his future, and hope that he can find happiness in everything that he does. I love him with all my heart and thank God everyday that He did bring me such a wonderful person, even if it wasn't meant to be forever. I love you Kenny today, tomorrow and forever.

~Snowed In~

I got a call tonight from Kenny saying that the roads were too bad and that he and the girls wouldn't be coming home until tomorrow. I miss the girls so much! I can't wait to see them tomorrow. Unfortunately they will be missing school, but I am sure that they had a wonderful time to make up for it. Hope everyone is doing well.

"Music and Lyrics"

Tonight I went with a friend to have a beer and watch a movie. We
went and saw "Music and Lyrics". It was hilarious to reflect back on the 1980's
We laughed when all of the hair, tight pants, and dance moves were totally
familiar to us! I guess that dates us doesn't it! Anyways, it was a really
nice story. I have to say, Hugh Grants' English accent gives me goosebumps!
There is something about a man with a beautiful accent. Well, regardless of all
that, it was wonderful to go out and do something with a "girl friend". I don't ever seem to go do those things anymore. Thank you to all the girlfriends who are always there for me! I really appreciate all the love and support.

Our Trip to Europe

Home Alone

Strange as it may seem, Kenny took two of the girls with him up to Atlanta, Idaho for the weekend. They are planning on snowmobiling, sledding, and doing lots of other cold weather stuff! Angelina and I are planning on going to the "Doodlebops" on Sunday, so we decided to stay at home. It is nice to have a quiet weekend at home. Angelina and I will try to get some fun activities in, and I am determined to stay on top of my school work. The weekend away for the girls should be lots of fun, but I can tell you that I already miss them.

Peer Pressure!

Ok, I have put this blogging stuff off now for several months, but now I am giving in to peer pressure! All the ladies that I work with are blogging, and I am feeling a little left out. I am trying this out, and I will see how I like it.